Sunday, February 27
i've decided to let my grades decide which class i enter. if by some lucky fate i do exceptionally well, i'll apply for a humanities scholarship where hopefully i won't be ostracised for being non-cheena and refusing to partake in mass ponning sessions. if i do well enough to remain in hc without appealing, i'll request for a transfer to a13. if i do badly, i'd better stay in a11 which is happily the worst class. i hate being in the worst class. negative peer pressure is only one concern. anyway we'll know soon. at jean's house now.. staying over. haha damned fun. getting a little sleepy-eyed. econs presentation tmr. i get the feeling the group isn't all that happy with me. heck, the class probably isn't. i didn't for the econs meeting cos i was at guides, marking testwork til 6plus. and i begged my mum to forbid me from going for jts yesterday.. i didn't really want to be in a big crowd of people i don't trust. tomorrow comes swiftly. the presentation pales in comparison to what the afternoon will bring. but i have to do it with my glasses!!! how annoying! i have zero self confidence when i look uglier than usual. which says a lot. :( haha. i'm so vain. who cares i don't deny it. unlike some others! haha. 4/6 i miss you and i love you and nothing can ever change.. esp since it seems everyone in jc is superficial! they will
never replace you. they can't, anyway. but.. if.. someday.. when you're all grown up and i'm all alone.. maybe i'll come knocking on your door, with just a simple reminder for you.. 50 years from now, we'd be old. i may have forgotten you. i may not remember ever having cared for you. i might, but i won't. and here i am, tadah! if you faint, too bad. =D
it must've been love.
10:35 pm
xoxo
Friday, February 25
i don't know what to do. whether or not to change class. i'm glad last night and this morning happened. now i know, it wasn't my imagination. this class is pure evil. maybe i'm being mean. but really. i'm just trying to be a good girl in a bad world and it's so hard. i don't want to skip class. i don't want to lie. i need to say this now. jean. jan. gen. chris. bev. vank. ally. the happening back row. thank you for yesteryears. you are true friends. you would never have encouraged me to sin. i love you, i really really do. they make me sick. i called them friends the other day. but i guess it isn't meant to be. will i never find friends like those you've been? my mum wants to take me out of the class, she says it's a bad influence. but i've got good teachers now. if i go to another class, i may not get such good teachers. i don't know what to do. please. help me. i don't want to cry over something hardly worth my time. please. set me free. i don't want to lie. maybe i get around rules, but i do so by using my brains, not outright lies. i'm not trying to act perfect. i'm not holier than thou. but some things make me uncomfortable, and if you were my friend, you'd support me instead of encouraging me to do what you know is wrong. i know that if it had been one of you in their position, you would have volunteered to stay in school and go for everything with me. i know it. because you're true friends. but you see, that's where the difference lies. i can't care about them. you've spoilt me. i've had the best in the world and now nothing will do. i don't want to lie.
it must've been love.
8:56 pm
xoxo
Thursday, February 24
Icarus How high you fly, only to fall so low beneath
The triumphant overtures of the claiming sea.
Grandly you sought to rise above the skies,
But as the autumnal hues of daylight play on your back,
All that holds you up melts away
And you fall; a graceful embodiment of human failure.
You could have touched the sky, and yet
You fall, becoming less than you ever were -
Far less than you thought you could have been.
You stretch your hands out,
A silent, vain plea for help.
No one comes.
You are all alone, swirling slowly,
Helpless and fatigued in the endless mistiness
Of a place you don’t belong in.
Darkness closes in softly, ready to consume you.
You were merely mortal.
And you fell.
[scribbled this for lit hwk. due tmr. :P too late for editing now, but still feel free to comment at the taggie if you like. i'm sorting my stuff out for the cap thing. but i can't find anything i like enough to put in the portfolio. sigh. i need your help..]
it must've been love.
7:16 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, February 23
realise it's been a week. haha. very little to laugh about in life right now.. i've gotten into the habit of comparing days based on pain level / shitty feeling instead of what was good. i've got to stop that bad habit. remember what mrs lee said? think of something good that happened today. well. i'll do that later.. when i'm done with listing my woes so that if anything happens i can compare the date for the doctor.
been nauseous on and off recently. threw up quite a lot. a lot more than ever. but it should be under control now, i'm on medication. migraines much much worse. may have been causing nausea. still on medication, doesn't really help but too bad. very very fatigued. no cure for that. i sleep all the time now.. even in class. just don't have the sheer energy to stay awake and move. slept 15 hours yesterday.. took a 3 hour nap just now. no wonder i never do hwk or study. sigh. my eye's okay now, wearing new glasses that are a bit too heavy. hmm toe infection.. doctor says i stubbed it against something and now it's infected. on medication for that too. luckily i'm not anaemic now.
school's pretty okay. i still don't care about the rest of the class because of my infamous policy of limiting the number of people i care about. it's pretty easy not to care anyway. i've got a heart of stone. well. i'm pretty close to 3 people right now.. we're the tim-tam family cos we like tim-tams. you know those yummy choco biscuits? well, all except one. she's anti- tim-tam but she's still in the family. you have no idea how much difference it makes to go to school knowing that there's someone there besides jan whom i can talk to. it makes a world of difference actually. they're actually fine with me liking the girl with the funky hair! although they keep groaning about it.. i realise her hair is never quite the same from day to day. today it looked nice. yesterday too. but monday's was a bit weird. haha. it doesn't matter, her side profile never changes and it's breathtakingly beautiful in
my opinion, which is all that matters to
me anyway. actually.. if things were fine.. if i didn't have that constant gnawing burning pain to remind me of the difference between myself and others.. i could be normal acquaintances with her. but things aren't fine, i need a distraction, something to hold my attention away from everything.. and she's the perfect distraction. i'm sorry. sorry for her. it could have been anyone. but she just had to be there on the first day of school with her beautiful side profile and interesting hair framing it.. and i just had to be frightened and bored and well.. kinda looking out to see if there would be anyone to provide some distraction. i hope she never finds out, but i think she already has. poor girl. it's not her fault or anything, i hope she doesn't grow her hair long.. she's so damned straight.. :( ahh well if she weren't, it would be harder for me to untie this knot. i'm in such deep shit. ah what the hell, you only live once. if it's gotta be so painful literally, might as well make it worth while, no?
the good thing that happened today.. let's see.. saw the doctor for my toe, and she said it didn't need any operating.. yet.. but i don't have to run on friday. and what else.. ooh. she walked out behind me as i was going out of school today.. but i was crapping away with my friends so she overtook us.. and walked ahead of us all the way to the bus stop. heee. =D i have
got to stop grinning crazily whenever she does that. i really pity her. i think everyone does too. someone, shoot me quick! i'm not in love with her. don't be crazy. i simply have a big fat crush on someone who happens to look like my ideal. too bad it's a girl. deal with it. somewhere else, sometime else, somehow else.
i think i'll go back to sleep sooon. there's this song ringing in my head.. ghost of you and me..
i didn't mean to fall in love with youand baby there's a name for what you've put me throughit isn't love, it's robberyi'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me.
it must've been love.
9:40 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, February 16
didn't mean to scare anyone. still don't mean to. i'll make this quick before i rush off to do other stuff.
today was a horrible day. let's see.. migraine from wearing glasses, slight hyperventilation from accidentally breathing in some fogging gas, which led to extreme fatigue the rest of the day, slept all afternoon til dinner when i got back, got yelled and glared at by mum, rushed the prayer page out, now gonna start on econs.
i don't really want to let ppl know what's going on.. i don't need to be labelled an attention seeker. i hope nothing happens tomorrow. hope i don't hyperventilate/faint/whatever. or at least if i do.. i hope i do it inconspicuously. i just want to remain a wallpaper flower. blend into the background.
my mum gave me ten bucks cos she feels bad about throwing all my food away. i don't want it. i want to walk away, be by myself for a while. not get scolded for being tired. i wanna sleep. sleep til forever and three days. sleep it all away.
i think she knows. i should care. i'm too tired. i'll care when i feel like it. i'm pure evil. please break my heart.
it must've been love.
11:11 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, February 15
my immune system is officially screwed. i'm
still coughing, my eye got infected for no known reason and now my toe kinda hurts. do you believe in voodoo? whatever. got woken up by numerous msgs, decided to stop resting and just get on with the project. so tadah here i am. i don't think i like econs. maybe i would be better at econs if i spent more time actually listening to the rather amusingly boring male lecturer. seriously. tsunami = junami? you decide.
yesterday was fun! =D albiet the ant-attack.. sigh we have to do it again soon. 4/6 day? thanks for all the gifts sweeties. =) i promise to wash and keep what i can. and i'll sundry the roses and keep the petals sweetly scented in a little glass bottle. or maybe i'll play the game of she-loves-me-she-loves-me-not before that. hahaha kidding. the nurses kinda raised a few eyebrows when i trudged into the clinic after the picnic with my slightly battered roses and bags of chocolate-y smelling stuff. i admit roses are much prettier before you give them to a person like me. i just swing the bag over my shoulder and bruise them horribly. haha sorry. i didn't want to hold them in my hand. jan: haven't eaten your uhhh heart yet. i've got the plums in the fridge though. sigh i miss everyone already. apparently some of my new classmates saw van kissing my cheek and me returning the favour yesterday. hahaha i don't care. anyway i wasn't wearing my glasses, i don't know who saw.
i love you. happy post-valentine's day.
it must've been love.
12:23 pm
xoxo
Saturday, February 12
i don't know what the hell i'm doing. i should just drop hist. i know nuts about the cold war and all that shit, how am i supposed to do all those essays? who was i kidding, i can't do this. what the hell is a girl like me doing in a place like this? i should be doing science. i was brought up to do science. all that bioinformatics shit, we learnt a level bio at fifteen! shit shit shit what the hell am i doing. i want out. staring at all the books and papers. i don't have the time to read them even if i wanted to. i was supposed to do it over the hols but i was too busy having fun. now i'm drowning and the only way out is to drop hist. maybe cross over to science, take a science, lit econs and math. i don't know if that's allowed. i'm such a loser. i can't even do the cold war. shit shit shit. i'm reaching for my blade and you aren't even here to stop me anymore. you aren't here with me. you can't stop me. you don't even care. you probably can't remember having ever cared about me. you probably can't remember your promises. you promised to be there when i needed you. you tried to stop me. you used to be able to. but then everything went all wrong and now we are nothing to each other.. you don't know what i'm about to do, you won't ever know.. i can't tell you and i don't want to cos you'll never care.. maybe you never cared about me. i don't know. i want to hate you but it's unfair, no one ever asked for this. i'm so tired. i think i'll go back to sleep. the scars don't heal.. i scar and bruise easily and then they don't heal.. i'm still wearing the scars from long ago.. all of them.. a story on my skin. damnit. i thought i was past this. but i'm not. i can't even do the cold war. what is a girl like me doing in a place like this.. i want to cut me away from me. i want to let all this go and sleep forevermore. i'm so tired.
i should never be allowed to pick up my own phone calls. i've just agreed to play on sunday for open sunday. what the shit. juggling too many balls, everything's gonna give. i don't want anything to do with the church. i'm a lousy christian. i'm so tired. i think God doesn't care about me anymore. my parents don't understand. i'm so tired. they tell me to take vit c. they don't want to bring me back to the neurosurgen. i tell you, i know myself. i know it's flaring up again. i know i need my medication. maybe i'm feeling so shit about history and life in general because of it. anxiety and depression. i need to stop the aches and pain and take away the tiredness. they just tell me to eat right. i don't want to eat anymore. it's too tiring. i wanna stop living. it hurts too much. i think i'll go to sleep now.
my buddies, i love you. monday's coming.. hwk's due, nothing's done, i wanna sink through the ground and fade away into nothing.. but monday's coming and i'm gonna see you soon.. and everything's gonna be all right cos you always make me feel like i can face another week. you're the best buddies in the world. fly high my baby bird, my angel, my only.
it must've been love.
2:56 pm
xoxo
Thursday, February 10
it's flaring up again, worse than ever. actually i realised it a couple of weeks ago. the way i can't sit without longing to fall asleep right there and then. my spine shooting pains all day long. migraines that travel all over and never go away. nausea. and my fingers have been numb for a few days. it's getting worse now. i think i have piano tomorrow.. shucks. i don't want her to ask why i can't control the sensitivity of my playing.. even now i'm typing everything slowly. i wanna go to bed. and sleep forever. but there are a billion things to be done. already i'm recieving stuff to format and put in the church bulletin. i don't like working on the bulletin. it scares the hell out of me having to work with such senior members of the church. i have to watch my words. make everything formal. can't make a mistake. not a toe out of line. i can't take it. why did i agree to it? first i'm the youngest sunday school teacher. then i'm the youngest member of the whatever-blah-forgot-its-name-bulletin committee. i'm a kid too you know. i gotta sleep sometime. have a social life, go out with my friends. and guides is taking up this huge chunk of my life. fibromyalgia doesn't help at all. it actually hurts. a lot. fatigued when i know i shouldn't be. if i were someone else, anyone normal, anyone but me, i'd have plenty of energy to do all this. but i don't. great heavens above. grant me the strength to pull through. fulfil my duties.
i hate myself. i feel like sucha whiner. i mustn't ever complain about this again. ah what the hell.
i can't wait to see all of you on v-day. =) miss y'all so much.. but there's so much work due then.. i can't find info for my hist essays. can't find info for the econs project. and don't get me started on searching for debate stuff. but knowing i'm gonna see you all soon makes everything so much better. =) in this mortal realm, i guess my friends are the only bright stars in the sky. you're the hope i can touch, i can cling to. i'm really terrified about this.. i feel like i'm losing something. like God isn't a big part of my life anymore. with no one reading devotions and praying everyday, it's so easy to just be merely secular. no turning around the corners and seeing bible verses staring you in the face. just empty walls and chinese words. it's so easy to forget God. i don't want to. i want him back in the centre of my life. but i look at the empty faces and empty buildings and i don't find God here. he's blessing st. marg's, but in hc it feels so cold and blank and - secular. this shouldn't be about buildings, about schools. it's really about me. i wish i could do bible study and pray with y'all. kinda like the way we used to. pray before everything. everything. the other day i suggested praying before the debate. they all stared at me. i thought we were christians. but nevermind. sweeties, no one can ever replace you.
today in the car my parents were ragging me about being ugly. first my mum started on my bad skin. it's really too bad that fibromyalgia causes me to scar/bruise easily and then take forever to heal right? she kept comparing me to my sister. i almost lost my temper. like all right already, i know she's your perfect daughter. the smart one, the pretty one, the one with the big eyes and double eyelids and big pretty smile, the one with the nice thin fine hair, the one with the good complexion, the one who doesn't have fibromyalgia. the one who isn't costing so much on medication and treatment. okay okay stop it stop it. leave me alone. why do i have to be so damned human? i'm only mortal.
staring at my phone. you haven't called in a while. why would you, when i haven't either? we just saw each other. i think i'll call jean about tomorrow.. she can't read this anyway. jean.. tell me why we only see stars in the darkest of nights. tell me why we had to graduate and leave each other. tell me why i'm losing faith in human love.
that's why she shies away from human affection.
it must've been love.
10:39 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, February 9
She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying, "Mama never loved her much"
And, "Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection"
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him
I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?
She can't remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
All her friends they've been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined
She's saying, "Love is like a barren place,
And reaching out for human faith
Is like a journey I just don't have a map for"
So baby's gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive S
end a signal that she's hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream
She's sayin
I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?
Mama never loved her much
And, Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him
She's sayin
I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?
I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?
--> to the moon and back, savage garden. so would you be my baby? =)
it must've been love.
7:25 pm
xoxo
Monday, February 7
i guess i need to write this out of myself more than anything else. it's okay if you don't understand, just please don't ask about this. i'm not sure what i'm doing or even what i am.
guess i made you a promise once.. a little too quickly. i didn't know what was going on - i simply flung that promise out, a guyline to catch you and hold you before you fell. i thought i was strong enough. now i know how wrong i was. guess i didn't know how ridiculous and yet incredibly forceful feelings can be. how utterly stupid. i can't break that promise. i've broken too many this past lifetime. but i can keep it on another level. guess that's the way it's gotta be. i'm sorry. i really am. i never meant to lose control of both the situation and how i felt. but i'm putting it behind me now. i have to. i can't live life walking forwards looking backwards. despite the twinge i felt just now staring up into the vastly velvety sky watching the stars twinkle a gazillion lightyears away. that's the ghost of you and me.
i wonder if there's anything to make ghosts disappear. put them from my mind.
it must've been love.
10:55 pm
xoxo
Friday, February 4
today was an exceptionally good day! well, towards the end anyway. let's skip the bit about school [hc] and move straight to where my life really starts. =D guides.. hmm saw mich today for the first time since ya course.. she's gotten really tanned! suddenly everyone's turned sporty except me. ahh well c'est la vie. very few people did testwork today.. and i realise i let a group off too easily.. boo for me. i
must be
much stricter in future! what's my fierce reputation for, after all? their dedication song is yesterday once more. i like it a lot!! =D okay so i like oldies. they sounded pretty good when i closed my eyes..
met jean and van.. did not plan to meet joan but i did anyway. she hasn't changed any! i
told her not to play with my phone because it was running out of batt but she did anyway and my phone died. i know i can be a real nag but i was expecting a few calls! well she followed us down to orchard.. at least she got off at her stop and we continued down to orchard. had a lot of fun crapping away.. sigh i really miss crapping with 4/6 people! just yakking and laughing and whacking each other. and somehow it's really natural to touch each other's arms and shoulders and there won't be anyone raising eyebrows. i can even trumpet my nose in peace! went down to taka to buy dinner and headed up to van's house. i like her pool, it's so cool! hee rhymes. and i like her float too! i didn't bring my swimsuit so i just floated around in my teeshirt and shorts. we clamboured on the float and paddled around.. and did all manner of silly things with the float.. van is really strong! i never realised she had such a lot of lean muscle but i guess that's from ballet. jean and i are typical pe slackers. haha. showered off and ate dinner by the pool.. really fun yakking about everything and anything as usual..
somehow i was rather tired during guides.. but while fooling around in the pool and all i sort of came awake.. and kept that mental and emotional high all the way.. only now when i'm at home i'm feeling a bit tired again.. guess i'll go sleep. probably made my cold worse by playing in the water but i don't care it was all worth it..
it's like i depend on my friends to keep me alive inside. when we didn't meet for a week i was withering away inside.. even though jan's in hc too. but it's not the same, we can't be as carefree as we can outside these walls. and if we are too free with ourselves people will talk. already some say i'm les. frankly my dear, i don't give a damn. i'm a fish out of water in school. what's wrong with a chinese being unable to speak mandarin? who said i'm pure chinese anyway? don't believe birth certs, ye fools. we aren't from mainland china sweetie. some of us are brought up differently. which one of us is god enough to judge another? i won't judge your cheena-ness and i hope you won't judge my conventional upbringing. we're from very different worlds. think rgps/smss and think hc.. you'll kind of get why most of our girls go to rj not hc. *shrugs* jan's okay here, she's billingual. i take my cap off to her. some people have it all and some have nothing at all.
it must've been love.
11:11 pm
xoxo
Thursday, February 3
feeling a little down and tired today.. just finished chores.. still not feeling too well. bleaugh. i miss you so muchhh. it's been almost since a week since we met up, and time is taking its toll on me. i guess it even shows too. last week was okay cos we met wed fri sat. now almost a week has passed and i miss the kind of company i have with you. that kind of easy camaraderie we had. i guess i miss your voice? i really want to just call you and say hi just want to say i miss you and love you.. but i know you can't pick up the phone in class. but i'll be seeing you tomorrow! the mere thought cheers me up =) i don't care what others think, i know friends are forever, and who cares about knights in shining armors when you have your girl-buddies with you? =)
so many times i've wondered what the hell i am doing here. and so many times i've known that i'm merely fulfilling a destiny that began eons ago. it matters not how i feel or what i think, as long as i don't miss a step. as long as destiny is fulfilled. maybe i allowed myself a little detour last year. maybe it was all so wrong. but the truth is it has changed me. i can't be the way i was before it all happened. i'm trying to untie the knot, go back to being straight rope, and i know i can.. but it's all so hard. knots can be untied.. but if you wash and dry them and let them shrink and harden in the sun.. untying them becomes almost impossible. i let bitterness feed on me too long.. i'm so afraid that the only way to untie this knot now is to cut it away from myself.. and when that happens i must lose a part of myself.. whether before or after the knot i do not know.. but something must be lost. i am not strong enough. and even if i held my destiny now in my hand as one holds a compass.. i wouldn't know where to go, where to turn.
i hate to say this but i'm slowly falling apart. i need you by my side to guide me, support me, be my friend, understand that i'm only mortal. i need to cry on your shoulder. i miss you. i want to run away, or maybe turn back time, but it's all so silly.. what's done is done, what's past is past. help me to learn to deal with the present.. i almost despise it! wash, wash it all away from me. hear without listening, look without seeing, speak without saying. i try to be there for you. i only hope it's enough that my soul will always be by your side, because my person has to stay here..
have you ever loved somebody so much it made you cry?
have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night?
have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right?
have you ever..
have you ever?
it must've been love.
9:00 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, February 1
today was not a good day at all, except that the president of the pesu [pe slackers' union] got to skip pe. i sort of keeled over the parade ground while trying to get out to puke in the toilet.. but recovered sufficiently with my head between my knees to puke in the toilet. heh. luckily i made it there safely. then my teacher called my mum and they brought me to rest in the sick bay, where i rested for 3 hours. the bed and pillows are surprisingly comfortable. gave the class a bit of a shock when i turned up for tutorial after that. but i think i'm fine now. i think. lost some of my medicine. shh.
a bit stressed out. history essay due soon, and i don't know how to do it and basically i can't read 2 years' worth of stuff and digest it sufficiently to write an essay. i really have to start reading the history soon. then a new history essay.. a big one. but i guess i can put it off til cny to do. then inter-ct debate. yikes. i have zero confidence in myself, but a bit more in my team mates. i don't think i want this learning experience, i learnt way back in sec2 that i'm a panicky person who really doesn't make sense when forced to think on the spot. but they won't let me back out. darn. so here i sit reading through the info and trying to organise my thoughts. sigh. dead tired.
i've decided to move on and leave certain things behind. i really cannot afford to go through life walking forward looking backward, so i won't. maybe God's letting me be this busy so that i won't have time to think about what cannot be. realised i've got a lot on my hands [in my opinion] but i'm not telling my parents cos i can't drop committments.
1. school work --> tutorials, essays, extra readings that i haven't done, quizes, tests
2. project / debate --> we're all too busy to meet, don't know how we'll get anything done.
3. cca --> YA. not much, only a few hours a week, but it is a committment i place on par with schoolwork.
4. church --> teaching primary one ss. and now i've agreed to do the church bulletin prayer page once a month. seriously i need to learn to reject people.
5. housework --> only on alternate days, but it's so damned tiring, esp when i'm sick.
6. giving tuition --> a committment, but thank goodness it doesn't take that much time, only 2 hours a week and i get a little extra income to pay for the trip, if i can make it.
7. friends --> i've tried to work out my priorities, but they just don't fit. you can't make everything fit into first position. but i'm trying to make friends and schoolwork balance equally.. we'll see how it goes.. because both mean a lot to me.. duties of different sorts. guess the only thing that can take a backseat is my sleep. sigh.
going back to reading the debate stuff someone sent.
it must've been love.
8:44 pm
xoxo
